I went to a cousin's wedding a year ago, and as expected, my state of singleness and childlessnes was the subject of interest among my relatives... oh, that and how much weight I've gained since the last time they saw me. [Sigh] What else is new?
Just recently, the same cousin just had her baby christened and got me as one of the godmothers. Fortunately, only a few of my relatives were there. My cousins, as expected, will not grill me on the subject of being unmarried and childless; so, I thought, for once, I will go through this event without being told to get married and have a child, pronto!
But, just as we were about to part ways, my aunt dared to break the silence by asking me what my plans are (Read: Everyone younger than you is getting married and having children, and here you are wasting your time working and travelling. When the hell are you getting married and having children?). And, as usual, I just responded with a sweet smile and changed the subject.
Through the years, I've learned that the best way to go about such a situation is to just keep quiet and not challenge my relatives' ancient beliefs about women and women's roles. I guess I have grown tired of explaining to people over and over why I don't believe in marriage and why having children is not something that I'm dying to do although I love children and I'm working on children's rights... People who decide to marry and have children don't have to explain their choice, so why should I?
Showing posts with label Unmarried and Childless. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Unmarried and Childless. Show all posts
10 January 2006
Unmarried and Childless in a Family Reunion
I’m supposed to visit my relatives in a nearby province this weekend. It’s my dear aunt’s birthday and I promised her that I’d come and visit because I’ve been feeling so guilty for not having showed up at their doorstep for two years (and I live just an hour and a half away!). But, I have a good reason for not coming as often as I should – I dread family reunions. I’ve been dreading family reunions since I turned 25 because every time my relatives see me, all they could ever think of asking is: “So, why are you not married yet?”
Fine, I know they care about me but sometimes their remarks could be downright annoying. Here are some examples:
▪ “You’re in your 30s, you should be married by now or you won’t be able to have children.”
Yes, it is true that as you approach the mid 30s, getting pregnant and giving birth becomes more and more difficult and dangerous. The thing is - they should not be assuming that just because I am a woman, I want to have children. Right now, I’m not sure I want to have a child (whether out of wedlock or not) and I don’t think that’s a big deal. Women are free to choose whether they want to have children or not.
▪ “Who will take care of you when you grow old?”
Whenever I'm asked this question, I've always wanted to say, "Well, I'm going to check myself in at the Home for the Aged, so you don't have to worry about me." or "I'll kill myself when I get too old and dependent." But, of course, my only response has always been to just smile and change the subject so I don't have to go through a long discussion of why I don't like the idea of wanting to have children just because I want to make sure that there will be someone who'll take care of me when I grow old.
▪ “Maybe your standards are too high.”
Okay, this one is a classic. I hear it all the time and not just from my relatives. Actually, I have long accepted the fact that some people may be way out of my league but I’m not going to just grab the first person who comes along, right? In matters of love, should we settle for what is currently available just because we're afraid of growing old alone? I think not.
▪ “Why are you not married yet? You’re pretty.”
Okay, I love it that they think I’m pretty (even if I think I’m not) but I don’t like the insinuation that if you’re not pretty, it’s but natural that you would be less marriageable because this is not true. Looks help attract someone but in the long run, compatibility is what matters.
▪ "Maybe you’re too 'suplada' (snob).”
Well, I am a quiet person who may be a bit anti-social at times, which people seem to always mistake for snobbery... so, sue me. The thing is, I am not attracted to people who get intimidated by me... and yes, I will not play dumb just to get someone to like me. So, sue me.
▪ “I know somebody you can date.”
Yes... apparently, my relatives are all cupid wannabes. They all know someone who they think will be perfect for me. I appreciate the concern but really... I can find my own date... that is, if I want a date.
Honestly, I'm tired of hearing these same remarks over and over. There were times when I did try to answer their questions and remarks but seeing that there are some very basic differences in our current perspectives and beliefs about love and life in general, I've already learned not to take their tirades seriously. So, I just smile and change the subject, crack a joke or two, come up with some witty or shocking replies, laugh a lot... until eventually, they'll pick on some other relatives.
Fine, I know they care about me but sometimes their remarks could be downright annoying. Here are some examples:
▪ “You’re in your 30s, you should be married by now or you won’t be able to have children.”
Yes, it is true that as you approach the mid 30s, getting pregnant and giving birth becomes more and more difficult and dangerous. The thing is - they should not be assuming that just because I am a woman, I want to have children. Right now, I’m not sure I want to have a child (whether out of wedlock or not) and I don’t think that’s a big deal. Women are free to choose whether they want to have children or not.
▪ “Who will take care of you when you grow old?”
Whenever I'm asked this question, I've always wanted to say, "Well, I'm going to check myself in at the Home for the Aged, so you don't have to worry about me." or "I'll kill myself when I get too old and dependent." But, of course, my only response has always been to just smile and change the subject so I don't have to go through a long discussion of why I don't like the idea of wanting to have children just because I want to make sure that there will be someone who'll take care of me when I grow old.
▪ “Maybe your standards are too high.”
Okay, this one is a classic. I hear it all the time and not just from my relatives. Actually, I have long accepted the fact that some people may be way out of my league but I’m not going to just grab the first person who comes along, right? In matters of love, should we settle for what is currently available just because we're afraid of growing old alone? I think not.
▪ “Why are you not married yet? You’re pretty.”
Okay, I love it that they think I’m pretty (even if I think I’m not) but I don’t like the insinuation that if you’re not pretty, it’s but natural that you would be less marriageable because this is not true. Looks help attract someone but in the long run, compatibility is what matters.
▪ "Maybe you’re too 'suplada' (snob).”
Well, I am a quiet person who may be a bit anti-social at times, which people seem to always mistake for snobbery... so, sue me. The thing is, I am not attracted to people who get intimidated by me... and yes, I will not play dumb just to get someone to like me. So, sue me.
▪ “I know somebody you can date.”
Yes... apparently, my relatives are all cupid wannabes. They all know someone who they think will be perfect for me. I appreciate the concern but really... I can find my own date... that is, if I want a date.
Honestly, I'm tired of hearing these same remarks over and over. There were times when I did try to answer their questions and remarks but seeing that there are some very basic differences in our current perspectives and beliefs about love and life in general, I've already learned not to take their tirades seriously. So, I just smile and change the subject, crack a joke or two, come up with some witty or shocking replies, laugh a lot... until eventually, they'll pick on some other relatives.
26 September 2005
Uncoupled and Childless at 33
I just had dinner the other night with a friend who has two children and another one who is currently pregnant. My “mommy friend” was giving our “soon-to-be-mommy friend” an account of her own pregnancy. Across the table sat their partners – one giving the other a blow-by-blow account of his experiences being in the delivery room with his wife when their daughters were being born.
So there I was – uncoupled and childless – sitting in the middle of these couples moving my head from side to side, listening to my friends’ stories like watching a tennis match between Agassi and Federer, when suddenly it hit me that most of my close friends are now either coupled or have children or both and I am not.
Yes, I am already at that age when being uncoupled and/or childless is no longer a norm but an aberration. An unmarried woman in her 30s in the Philippines is still a cause for concern for her relatives and friends. Hell, even the cab driver I was forced to talk to one rainy afternoon while on my way to Quezon City from Makati said that I should get married soon because I’m not getting any younger. I didn’t give him any tip.
When I was 29 years old, I was asked by my alma mater in the province to be the guest speaker in their Recognition Day. It was an obligation that I had to fulfil as a former honor student in that elementary school. So, I said yes even if I thought I was too young to be a guest speaker. Isn’t being invited to something like that similar to being invited to be a “ninang sa kasal”?
Anyway, I expected my former teachers to be interested in finding out where I went to college, what course I took up, what kind of job I have, if I turned out to be a good citizen, etc. (They’re teachers! Aren’t these what they’re supposed to be concerned about?). Oh, but I was wrong! The moment they saw me, they commented on how good I looked (i.e., that I’m “whiter” than when I was young) and then immediately asked me if I am married (take note: not if I have a boyfriend but if I am married). When I said no, they went, “Oh, but you’re 29 years old already. You should get married. Maybe you should lower your standards.”
Lower my standards? Are they out of their minds? Why should I settle for any loony guy that comes along just so that I could be married before I get any older? Did they teach me English, History, Science and Math so that I could get married before I turn 30? Did they push me to study hard and excel in school so I could become a good little wife? Crazy teachers! Now, I’m wondering what kind of men they married. Did they lower their standards? Are they married to nincompoops?
Thankfully, my “mommy friend” and my “soon-to-be-mommy friend” are not like these crazy teachers. They have chosen to be in committed relationships and to have children because they wanted to and not because of societal pressures. They also respect the choices of other women whether or when to marry or to have children. To them, I’m not an aberration but a woman who has made her own choices. That’s why even if I cannot relate to their pregnancy experiences, I don’t mind listening to them talk about these things. I love to hear my “mommy friend” talking about her daughters or my “soon-to-be-mommy friend” talking about her pregnancy aches and pains and the joy of anticipation. When they talk, I can see that they are happy despite all the difficulties they’re going through and this makes me happy, too.
So there I was – uncoupled and childless – sitting in the middle of these couples moving my head from side to side, listening to my friends’ stories like watching a tennis match between Agassi and Federer, when suddenly it hit me that most of my close friends are now either coupled or have children or both and I am not.
Yes, I am already at that age when being uncoupled and/or childless is no longer a norm but an aberration. An unmarried woman in her 30s in the Philippines is still a cause for concern for her relatives and friends. Hell, even the cab driver I was forced to talk to one rainy afternoon while on my way to Quezon City from Makati said that I should get married soon because I’m not getting any younger. I didn’t give him any tip.
When I was 29 years old, I was asked by my alma mater in the province to be the guest speaker in their Recognition Day. It was an obligation that I had to fulfil as a former honor student in that elementary school. So, I said yes even if I thought I was too young to be a guest speaker. Isn’t being invited to something like that similar to being invited to be a “ninang sa kasal”?
Anyway, I expected my former teachers to be interested in finding out where I went to college, what course I took up, what kind of job I have, if I turned out to be a good citizen, etc. (They’re teachers! Aren’t these what they’re supposed to be concerned about?). Oh, but I was wrong! The moment they saw me, they commented on how good I looked (i.e., that I’m “whiter” than when I was young) and then immediately asked me if I am married (take note: not if I have a boyfriend but if I am married). When I said no, they went, “Oh, but you’re 29 years old already. You should get married. Maybe you should lower your standards.”
Lower my standards? Are they out of their minds? Why should I settle for any loony guy that comes along just so that I could be married before I get any older? Did they teach me English, History, Science and Math so that I could get married before I turn 30? Did they push me to study hard and excel in school so I could become a good little wife? Crazy teachers! Now, I’m wondering what kind of men they married. Did they lower their standards? Are they married to nincompoops?
Thankfully, my “mommy friend” and my “soon-to-be-mommy friend” are not like these crazy teachers. They have chosen to be in committed relationships and to have children because they wanted to and not because of societal pressures. They also respect the choices of other women whether or when to marry or to have children. To them, I’m not an aberration but a woman who has made her own choices. That’s why even if I cannot relate to their pregnancy experiences, I don’t mind listening to them talk about these things. I love to hear my “mommy friend” talking about her daughters or my “soon-to-be-mommy friend” talking about her pregnancy aches and pains and the joy of anticipation. When they talk, I can see that they are happy despite all the difficulties they’re going through and this makes me happy, too.
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