I just had dinner the other night with a friend who has two children and another one who is currently pregnant. My “mommy friend” was giving our “soon-to-be-mommy friend” an account of her own pregnancy. Across the table sat their partners – one giving the other a blow-by-blow account of his experiences being in the delivery room with his wife when their daughters were being born.
So there I was – uncoupled and childless – sitting in the middle of these couples moving my head from side to side, listening to my friends’ stories like watching a tennis match between Agassi and Federer, when suddenly it hit me that most of my close friends are now either coupled or have children or both and I am not.
Yes, I am already at that age when being uncoupled and/or childless is no longer a norm but an aberration. An unmarried woman in her 30s in the Philippines is still a cause for concern for her relatives and friends. Hell, even the cab driver I was forced to talk to one rainy afternoon while on my way to Quezon City from Makati said that I should get married soon because I’m not getting any younger. I didn’t give him any tip.
When I was 29 years old, I was asked by my alma mater in the province to be the guest speaker in their Recognition Day. It was an obligation that I had to fulfil as a former honor student in that elementary school. So, I said yes even if I thought I was too young to be a guest speaker. Isn’t being invited to something like that similar to being invited to be a “ninang sa kasal”?
Anyway, I expected my former teachers to be interested in finding out where I went to college, what course I took up, what kind of job I have, if I turned out to be a good citizen, etc. (They’re teachers! Aren’t these what they’re supposed to be concerned about?). Oh, but I was wrong! The moment they saw me, they commented on how good I looked (i.e., that I’m “whiter” than when I was young) and then immediately asked me if I am married (take note: not if I have a boyfriend but if I am married). When I said no, they went, “Oh, but you’re 29 years old already. You should get married. Maybe you should lower your standards.”
Lower my standards? Are they out of their minds? Why should I settle for any loony guy that comes along just so that I could be married before I get any older? Did they teach me English, History, Science and Math so that I could get married before I turn 30? Did they push me to study hard and excel in school so I could become a good little wife? Crazy teachers! Now, I’m wondering what kind of men they married. Did they lower their standards? Are they married to nincompoops?
Thankfully, my “mommy friend” and my “soon-to-be-mommy friend” are not like these crazy teachers. They have chosen to be in committed relationships and to have children because they wanted to and not because of societal pressures. They also respect the choices of other women whether or when to marry or to have children. To them, I’m not an aberration but a woman who has made her own choices. That’s why even if I cannot relate to their pregnancy experiences, I don’t mind listening to them talk about these things. I love to hear my “mommy friend” talking about her daughters or my “soon-to-be-mommy friend” talking about her pregnancy aches and pains and the joy of anticipation. When they talk, I can see that they are happy despite all the difficulties they’re going through and this makes me happy, too.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 License.
6 comments:
Fantastic Story. I enjoyed reading it very much. You should consider submitting it to a magazine somewhere.
--William
hello, finally i got to read your blog and i'm very honored to be part of it :) but, even this soon-to-be-pregnant mom is not spared from the "concerned" looks from people wary about the circumstances i'm in.
sometimes, people have the gall to question your personal choices as if they know what is good for you. they must think i'm mad to have this baby in such a complicated relationship.
fortunately, feminist friends are a true solace...you were all sincerely happy for me, despite the guy!
and so, i think as you grow older, you can do whatever you want and feel a bit wiser. heck, you can even live a little bit dangerously if you want! the important thing is you allow learning from natural consequences. and hopefully, in the process, you find true meaning in your journey to find yourself.
see you on the 28th! :)
we are lucky to be able to live with what we choose and not succumb to society's pressures. and we have people to support us, no matter if they do not understand, but accept us and our choices. no matter if the choices turn out to be the bad choices as we realize much later. but then again, we live and learn from it and the more we come to terms with our selves. bottomline is what makes YOU happy. not them, but the person inside the body... the body that has to live with the world outside. unfortunately (?)
am glad to know you like hearing stories of the kids. I was kinda wondering if i was boring you with their antics. ;)
- mommy friend
I can top that; I'm never married and childless at 47. I have a sister 16 years older than me who was married 15 years and no children. My brother was 13 years my senior and married 20 years with no children. Imagine how upset my parents were?
My longest relationship was a 3-day weekend in a roadside motel outside Albuquerque with a girl I met in a military bar.
I've never been in love and haven't a clue how it happens.
In my late 20s and 30s I had coworkers who questioned me but I finally got them out of my life by filing a complaint thru my personnel office.
I often wondered why others fell in love, married, and had families and I didn't but I guess it's over now. I've learned to move on.
Ben in San Diego
Aha. This topic seems a mother lode. I don't know about other countries but the condition of single and childless at age 30+ is still viwed as an abnormality or a signof abnormality in Pinoy society. My take, of course, is who gives a damn about what "they" say. And then there's the second-thought part that says, hmmm, there must be some wisdom there but I wish the people who were nagging to breed had better reasons. The single people actually voice the best reasons to breed. A single female friend in her late 30's said, we're better people in better conditions, the more we are, the better this country will be. Fair theory. Another said, well, everybody needs some care in his or her old age (a standard reason she defended convincingly). Too bad her pool of sperm donors was utterly shallow.
There's a part of me that regards breeding as egoistic (who needs more of you? or more people to populate a world that is hurtling towards self-destruction) and selfish (you just want to have company and care in you old age). And another part of me says, well, those are legitimate human needs, and it is selfish to keep all that capacity for creating joy and excitement all to yourself. Ano tingin mo?
Well, I'm not really against getting married and having children. I do respect people's decisions to do so (for whatever reasons... i hope for the right reasons though). What I loathe are other people imposing their on values on moi or pressuring me to do get married and have children just because they think this is what I am supposed to be doing right now. This is certainly not one of the right reasons. I may or may not decide later on to get married or have children (possibly just have children ;-)), who knows, right? But the decision is mine and I will do so because i want to and hopefully... it would be for all the right reasons.
Post a Comment